Archive for May, 2011


Suffering from Body Dysmorphic Disorder for almost 4 years now has been a Hell of an experience and I’m still going through this painstaking mental disorder. For those who haven’t heard of BDD, that isn’t a surprise because this disorder has been one of the most understudied and ignored mental disorders  until recently where there are at least 1% of the population suffering from this illness.

To define B.D.D. in ver simple terms, it would be called “Imagined Ugliness” but the problem is, it doesn’t feel imaginary to the person who is suffering. The disorder affects the person by obsessing over a percied flaw or slight defect in one’s appearance. It’s not about being vain or being shallow, it’s about being SOOOO uncomfortable about yourself that you can’t even leave the house, passing a mirror or reflection without feeling like crap, and feeling prevented to enjoy social activities where you feel you just want to be by yourself and slowly transcending into isolation.

A lot of the time for me,  the hardest thing about  having B.D.D. is that people don’t take it seriously. They think that the reason I wear a hood or strain away from talking to people is becasue I’m “weird” or I’m trying to be different, when it’s really not like that at all. I think that the most painful thing is when someone is being misunderstood  and they just assume so many things without considering any factors someone may go through.

With B.D.D. there are results in which sufferers of the disorder when they look at themselves in a mirror see something completely different that a casual observer.  B.D.D. can get in the way of the sufferer’s lives in so many ways such as looking for a job, finding a healthy relationship, and being able to go to school. B.D.D. is a very serious mental disorder which definately needs more exposure and more resources should definately be available.

One of the common causes of B.D.D. is the mass swarm of media that is reaching teenagers and young adults with an iamge of the ideal perfection, that if you look like this or that you will be happy, your life will be successful, and even I admit to be hypnotized and severely scarred by these social “treasures”.  BDD is also often misdiagnosed because its symptoms can mimic that of major depressive disorder or social phobia.

Many individuals with BDD also do not possess knowledge or insight into the disorder and so regard their problem as one of a physical rather than psychological nature; therefore, individuals suffering from BDD may seek cosmetic treatment rather than mental health treatment.

Wikipedia and most online websites say that therapy and anti-depressant pills on a frequent basis can help cure BDD but personally I feel taking pills seems like “fake happiness” something that’s not real or natural. I don’t feel that therapy can personally help me because I used to see someone for 3 years and I would always talk about it and it helped but for about 10 minutes and I feel miserable again. Therapy won’t make me feel pretty and I’m sure as Hell don’t want to take any pills to make me happy. At the end of the day I just want plastic surgery.



Not being in school for almost a year has been fun, relaxing, mind-calming, and really what I needed for my own sanity. Now that summer is approaching means that school is just around the corner. I decided to take a summer class because I’m tired of being this way and I think taking at least one class is better than none thus meaning longer years of school. I only want to take one class because I figured, it’s summer, everyone will probably be out, I’m just goin gto take it easy and ajdust myself going back to school and be prepared to take a full schedule in the fall.

Summer is that one time of the year for me that is jsut weird. It’s not the feeling of Fall when it’s super cold and I feel everything is worhless, but it’s also not the feeling of Spring when everyone is joyous and everything seems fun. Summer to me feels mellow, awkward, trying to get through the day even though you know it’s not going to be difficult, kind of a bittersweet feeling, Summer effects me like that, it’s ho-hum. One thing I AM GOING to AVOID is the Pride Parade this year. Yes, it was fun my first time 2 years ago but things have changed. I decided that I am not going to be surrounded by a bunch of hot, gross, sweaty, flabby, fleshbags on the hottest day of the year, seeing grosss ass mothers trying to look cute and acting like hot messes.

Since it’s San Francisco, I’m hoping, I’m praying that it will be cold this summer. I have no clothes for hot days because I hate them, they’re ugly, fall/winter clothes are the best and I want to wear heels a lot, but it has to be cold because wearing heels really make you warm especially if you are walking on concrete and on your feet almost all day.

I’m kind of excited for the summer yet very, very scared and extremely vulnerable for suree, I don;t want to have to look back but go forward, straight ahead.

I’ve been so bored this week and having nothing to do made me think of back then when there was actually good stuff on television that was fun, smart, and informative. Everything nowadays is about style and not substance and it really dissapoints. While I was reflecting I totally remembered in 2003 when vh1 put out the first installment of ” I love the 80s” and enjoying it INCREDIBLY well. It was a miniseries, an hour each, and every episode would focus on one year in the 80s starting with 1980 and so forth. I was about 10 or 11 when that whole series started and I remember being soooooo entertained and sooo happy to be learning fun facts and historical events about a very infamous time of American pop culture.

After that, they had “I love the 80s Strikes Back”, “I Love the 80s 3D”, and then they did the ” I Love the 90s” and ” I Love the 70s” which was even better. Being a 90s boy, haha I only experienced 7 years of it but my short time with that decade was better then nothing. It was freakin awesome to  watch the vh1 episodes and actually remember some of the stuff from my childhood, granted I was 7 when the 90s ended but I still remembered a lot of televsion back then and that was enough. Just watching the vh1 series just proved how amazing the times were back then. We may not have had the technology but I actually prefer that because nowadays everything is getting too modernized to the extent where it’s really taking over the world by storm.

Things in the new minnelium sucked, 2000 to 2009 where probably the most grossest years in history. I’ll make an exception for 2008 and 2009 only because that’s when I really got into fashion and when I was trying to put a lot of pieces of my life in place. I really wish I had a time machine jsut so I could live during those times and not get older just for the experience  because, everything seemed more fun back then.


Televesion nowadays is just not as great as it used to be. The cartoons were actually meaningful and aimed at actual morals and intellegient plots if you actually thought about it. But now? Trash is all I can say. everything you see nowadays from American tv is bulls%^$ like I can’t believe. Literally everything now is so stupid the stories don’t make sense, they’re teaching kids to be stupid. more than usual, and they’re making everyone around them annoyed and really angry. I really don’t know what’s happening ot the media but it’s getting worse, more global, more stupid people doing stupid things, maybe I SHOULD move out of the country.

Cartoon Network had a lot going for it in the late 90’s/early 00’s. Shows like Dexter’s Laboratory, Johnny Bravo, Ed Edd n Eddy, and The Powerpuff girls were all top quality children’s cartoons that could also appeal to adults. They were aimed at kids, for sure, but they were very, very clever.  This show, however, was not so much aimed at children. It was pretty kid friendly, but overall this was an artistic show that was just plain and simple really good. The animation itself is so simple and colorful, but done in such a unique way. They always knew how to shade everything perfectly to fit the mood. The music was spot on as well. They just happened to have a crew of people working on every aspect of the show that all really “got” what John R. Dilworth was aiming for. It was like a tight band. I’d also like to point out that episodes like “The Shadow of Courage” and “The Hunchback of Nowhere” are some of the most brilliantly written, touching pieces of animation I’ve ever seen.


So, after season 15 ended I swore I wasn’t goin gto watch ANTM anymore because it’t jsut getting way too monotone where this show should’ve been cancelled a long time ago, but the current season made me want MORE! The only reason I watched any part of it or any at all was because there was a marathon on Oxygen and I was bored, okay, but it was actually a nice way to spend a long day. I really thought I was going to hate all the girls because I love Ann, the winner from last season, but I was suprised, there were actually some gorgeous girls that I realkly liked. The challenges and photoshoots definately amped up again, since ANTM is actually trying to go for “high fashion”. How many of the past winners got actual work and is famous?? Yeah that’s right, so at least they’re trying to make some sort of effort.

When I saw this girl, I immediately fell in love and wanted her to win. Brittani was the first girl ever in ANTM history to ever be so upset that she left panel because she hated some girl sooo much, OMGGGG I loveeeeddddd it. From the beginning I was just so in love with her look and I seriously would go straight for her. I can’t believe that she was from a trailer park in Pennsylvania, dreams really do come true.

My favorite photoshoot was the high  fashion couture shoot because all the girls wore amazing couture dresses and it was sooooo Italian Vogue I drooled over all the gorgeous clothes.

The season finale is tomorrow and I am hopinggg, I am PRAYINGGG THAT BRITTANI WINS!!! I LOVE HERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR


There  a lot of things on T.V. have been hypnotizing me to want to live in New York. “Sex and The City”, “Project Runway”, etc. etc. I can’t believe these things that make me wish I was a gossip girl wearing $1000s of dollars of jewelry. lol I rewatched the movie “The Switch” and reruns of “Will and Grace” and New York seem slike a really fun and interesting place. I mean I’m sure it’s really not that glamorous, the garbage, the rudeness, the really bad, overcrowdedness, it’s so unattrative.

But New York looks soo glamorous, I really wonder what its like to love there, excpet the summer because I hate hot weather in San Francisco, I could not survive 1 minute in Manhatten when it’s 110 degrees. I know that there are so many things to do in New York and I have friends who live there for school and it’s true when they say it’s the city that never sleeps. My friends who live there are constantly finding more and more things to do with there time and it’s really envious because here in S.F. there really isn’t that much to do but I should be grateful that I don’t live in the midwest or something.

The other great thing about New York is the oppurtunities for so many careers and especially the fields that I want to be in sooo badly. The fashion internships and jobs are so much more better in New York than here because there is just no fashion in San Francisco which is really sad, but I guess it’s kind of good for me because I won’t feel as bad about the way I’ve been dressing. lol

Anyway New York is probably a really fun and glamorous place to love but only, only if I had the money, hahaha. I would be so miserable if I was poor living inNew YOrk because I would be so miserable and struggling especially if I went to school there. The costs of everything now is ridiculous, and I’m glad I’m at  a place thats somewhat comfortable even though I lived in this city my whole life, I do need a change, fast.

Does money really bring happiness?

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately about the things that are going on with  me and it’s pretty depressing. I’m at a really young age but I feel everything is routine to me, everything is miserable, as if I’m 35 stuck at a dead end with no hope or bright future ahead of me. I’ve been acting this way for the damn same reason for all my misery; lack of self esteem, and I must say it’s really getting old. I dream of all the fun ideas and plans I wish I could do to make myself happy again, but everything just costs money, it seems that for people to have fun, you need at least 200 bucks at your disposal. I love shopping and getting this and that because it makes me feel happy, but it doesn’t last very long.

I’m always counting on material things to help me with my problems thinking clothes and whatever will make me feel better which they do, but I wonder, if I have all those things, what’s next? That’s why it’s so depressing,  I have goals, more than just collecting a giant pile of cloth but other things i want to do but.. costs a lot of money to do. I wish I had the lettuce to use to my pleasure. I wouldn;t just throw it away to meaningless stuff but to things that can make me feel cared for, emotionally.

I feel if I had the money to do the things that I wanted, I could be so much happier. People are constantly saying that you shouldn’t worry about money, people and family are more important, really?? Friends and family can be traitors, they can have ulterior motives that they desperately try to hide, even blood relatives can have the desire to see you fail. The only person you should take care of is yourself, because really, no one else will. It’s true when they say it’s every man for himself, because you can’t trust anyone, which is another thing that gets me depressed. Just the thought of feeling really emotinally close to someone and then to have them screw you psychologically is really not a great way to spend the next 2 years of your life in annoying therapy sessions and incessant questions you ask yourself “WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME”?

If people are smart, they will look after themselves and get what really makes them happy, and unfortunately money is mostly the answer. I can’t say everyone because that’s impossible for everything but all I know is, it helps to feel you have some sort of security.