Archive for January, 2011

THERE MAY BE SOME LIGHT

In the past week, I have not been able to recognize myself. I feel miserable, distraught, depressed to the extent of passing out. USF is so draining and painfully brutal to my mental health I don’t think I can do this. Being busy is one thing, but making you study or do bullshit that doesn’t even matter to you, how incredibly full of shit college is. I cannot be surrounded much longer by gross “SO-CAL” amoebas that slither around the grounds. I can’t stand the sight of the “prestigious” school who’s staff are merely a second a way and gawking you. Being a normally, calm person, this is just to much for me. I understand getting out of your  comfort zone, but this is a feeling where I just don’t belong there, I don’t wish to be there, I don’t wish to go there.

Luckily, I heard through the grapevine that I can take City College classes wile still being enrolled in USF. As annoying and stressful it is to register and get classes at City, I feel it’s worth the torment rather than paying thousands of dollars on a class that hardly interests me. The thought of spending less time at that damn institution and being at a more relaxed atmosphere, sounds like path I’m willing to take. The thought of USF just makes me want to puke.

Every time I go to school, I feel as if it’s one giant nightmare, waiting for me to wake up. I enter a strange mood that I have never felt before, or at least in a really long time. Only  until I finish  my classes, my sanity slowly starts to come back to me. Every time, I feel I lose my mental health, my happiness, my fuse to love life, is gone, being in that hole, makes it feel like I actually am in a nightmare.

I really want to figure this mess out before I get committed or have a nervous breakdown where I’ll be hospitalized for months. If things flow smoothly, I will be able to somewhat get my life back. I just have to stick it out for one semester dealing with creeps I could care less about, people are are uninteresting to the core, people I would not like to be around, cross my fingers.

Advertisements

ANDROGONY IS HITTING IT’S SEXUAL PEAK

I’ve always loved androgony which is one of the big reasons why I love fashion so much. There are no limits to how you should dress, act, look, just seriously… come as who you are. Androgony has always stormed the fashion industry especially in the early 90s but recently, pushing the envelope is boring, we need major breakouts, more buttons breaking than just being pushed, “norms” are so last century.Meet Andrej Pejic, the gorgeous, Australian born, gift of the fashion Gods.

All I know is that I’ve been waiting for men to walk in women’s fashion shows, actually wearing the clothes. It has been very rare in the past and the only other time I can recall would be when Martin Cohn walked in a show wearing a slim fit dress with his hair pulled back.

I love these Nina Ricci shoes from Fall 2009, oh! Those were the good days.

I am just so , extraordinarily happy that more and more boundaries are getting shoved aside with attitude. Fashion does change every six months, why can’t society? Why can;t the world change frequently and develop like fashion, both which could make everyone happy. Even in today’s generation, so many cli-che’s and ideas on what’s acceptable or what’s appropriate is jsut boring and people just need to get over it, it’s a new decade and things are chaning incredibly fast for people which is a good thing. People need to catch up, not stick to the past.

 

 

 

 

DROPPING A CLASS MAKES ME FEEL BETTER

I think the problem with USF is that there are hardly any locals that attend the school. I felt like “I” was the one from another city because about everyone was really “so-cal” and outside of San Francisco which really surprised me. I must say that I am so happy that I am not living in those wretched dorms because I would seriously kill myself, I mean, sharing a bathroom with the whole floor? Like excuse me? I like my privacy so I am happy to have my own space to go home to. Another thing that I am glad about is that I only have two classes now because I’m going to drop one, and just take two in the summer, which means, less time in the campus, and more time for me to go wherever I want. Honestly, I still hate going to school even though my first week is over. This really irritates me and i wish I could go to school in Korea, at least everyone is Asian so I won’t feel that self0conscious, and Korean guys are gorgeous, at least the good looking ones.

I’m glad to be out of High School, but this new environment is just so not me at all, I just don’t belong here, I can’t be surrounded my “Plastics”, I will go insane. Even though I only have two classes, there is still hella shit I have to do which irritates the hell out of me. I wish, I just wish that I could have the life that I dream of but of course, no one gets everything that they want, and it makes me wonder, why can’t everyone just get what they want, on a practical level of course.

All I know is, I’m glad that I will only be spending 2 days a week in that hellhole and that’s already enough for me to have a panic meltdown catastrophe. I really doubt I’m going to make any friends since I don’t live on campus, and I only have 2 classes, so if I do make any “friends”, it will probably never happen, but I like that, I’m okay with it, because I already have friends in the city who are worth my time.

 

I FEEL LIKE I’M IN A NIGHTMARE

I started USF on Tuesday and I feel like shit. I was so uncomfortable to the point where it wasn’t even first day jitters, I seriously felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I assumed, I would feel happy, I would like the people, and the classes wouldn’t be that bad. Well it was a big slap in the face when I found out that I feel like dying, about everyone is from “so-cal” which I gagged at, and I’m constantly doing a lot of stupid shit that really pisses me off. I feel like all of my buttons have been pushed where I feel this is just too surreal, I don’t belong there, this doesn’t feel right to me.

Everyone keeps saying it’s the adjustment, first week, scary stuff, blah, blah, blah, I freakin’ despise everything about this. I can’t even buy a lot of things that I want because dumbass school books are so expensiveeee :( I just want to go back to when I didn’t have school, was working part time, and staying at home relaxing. If I did go to school, I wish it was at City, at least everything is chill there and almost everyone is older which makes me feel better because I hate being around people my age.

I really want to learn Korean and move there when I’m older, I just want to get out of this country. I hate being in one place for too long, I just need an escape, and I feel crushed that I have 4 years of HELL I’m going to have to deal with. To make matters worse, my stupid face is still wide and I still have 2 and a half months till my face is completely done but I’m nervous because 6 weeks seems like a short period of time and I want my face to go down a lot more, I want to be able to say that I have a thin face, not a repulsive wide face.

I wish I won the lottery and didn’t have to go to school, I would use that money to first get Korean language lessons, and a go shopping for amazing clothes, so when I finally move to Korea, I’ll work in a fashion magazine or whatever, UGHHHH. It’s really a shame. To me, my fantasies are my reality, and my reality is just a fantasy I don’t want to look at or even think about.

STARTING COLLEGE IN 4 DAYS, EXCUSE ME??

The day has finally arrived, will about to arrive, is coming close and I am sweating bullets. I’ve been really stress these final days of my “vacation”, since I took a semester off, and I still don’t feel ready. I just need 2 months, just two more months pleasee. i just don’t understand why Spring Semester can’t start in the Spring, so inconvientant.

The next few days will be me running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to finalize everything and be mentally prepared to continue with this milestone of my life. I am really thankful though that I only have three classes this semester and only 3 times a week. I have all my books except for one class but the teacher for some reason isnt responding and i emailed her 3 times, so inconsiderate, :(

All in all, I feel crazy and nervous and just not ready, i feel bad that I might mess up or do something bad, ohhhh lifeeee sucksss mannnn

FIRST PURCHASE OF 2011!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I was really pissed at New Year’s because my dumbass brother and his stupid friends were being really obnoxious and loud and I had no friends or anyone I cared to communicate with. I pretty much despise 89% of my family and could care less if they got hit by a bus. Anywhooo, I really didn’t care that it was 2011, like big whooopppppp!!!! Gowd

So I wen to bed around 2:00 in the morning because my dumbass relatives were making so much noise I had no choice to take a xanex. The next morning I didn’t want to deal with anyone so after breakfast I tok two vicodons and another xanex and I didn’t wake up till 7:30 pm which was really nice. After I ate a little something I took 2 more vycodins and I went to bed like a baby and here I am now, the 3rd day of the new year and I forgot everything the past 2 days.

Without realizing it I bought two pairs of shoes because I wasn’t “myself” but they were really cute so I had to get them and I would wear them everyday so I would get my money’s worth.

MY FIRST PURCHASE OF 2011!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They are sooooooooo awesomee and they’re both at least 4 inches will you know I love long legsssss :D

WE LOVE YOU 2011!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I knw I’m like a day late but I totallly slept past the new year, may 2011 bring ao much JOY AND happiness I love you all and to all our readerss s gladI knw I’m like a day late but I totallly slept past the new year, may 2011 bring ao much JOY AND happiness I love you all and to all our readerss s glad you have our support, we loveeeeeeee you to death and we eill be doinng so much for in 2011!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!