THERE WILL BE BLOOD

I’m getting my wisdom pulled this Wednesday and it’s funny to me that a lot of people my age are getting them pulled as well. I assumed it was something you do when you’re like 40 or something, idk. I’m actually excited because then it’s another step to be “perfect”!! JK. I’m going to look like more of a hot mess after the procedure. Surgery is always the easy the part, it’s the afterwards which can be a real ass****. Bandages, bruises, swolen  glands, blood, pus, the human body’s way of healing. My jaw is going to look bigger than ever and damn I’m going to look ugly as hell. But it’s okay, once that hot mess, I will move toward the “bigger” obstacle under the knife. I mean, it’s whatever, I’m not really phased by pain that much.

But after I do get my wisdom pulled, I ‘ll just have to wait 6 weeks till the most amazing thing in my life will happen. My jaw and cheek reduction surgery!! OH the vision I’m having, a wonderful vision of my life. ahhaahaha I wish it wasn’t so expensive though. i feel so guilty because my parents are going to pair for most of it and the costs, I could honestly get a couture outfit :O It just sucks that SOMETHING I SHOULD’VE been BORN with is going to cost me this much money just so I can look normal, a tragedy, such a tragedy. ;)

I’m looking at faces of male models that the doctor asked me to find and he said he’ll see if they’re realistic, but I’m sure he can work something out, he’s done over a 1000 jaw reductions

Hmmmmm, something like this probably, a nice, structured, slim face

I would love love love to have my face shape be like this  but it wouldn’t work, unfortunately my facial structure is terrible :0

It’s a matter of time when I’ll ave my surgery. if everything goes as planned, I will be able to go ge the surgery SEPT. 15 and that’s why I’m taking a semester off and will start school in SPRING 2011. By then, hopefully, I’m praying that I will FINALLY, FINALLY be the person I was supposed to be. No more feeling like I’m being held back, no more paranoia about everyone around me. I mean, I’m pretty sure I’ll still have my problems and the surgery won’t just make them vanish but I know that I will be happier.

My hood has been my security blanket and shackles. as much as I hate wearing it, I feel bound to it, trapped until my surgery fixes the problem.

The one thing that I would like to feel is just to be normal. Not like I want to look like an average joe, ughhh!! gawd no, it’s just I would like to be able to feel comfortable and enjoy myself without wondering or fretting about my face. I want to be able to relax when I’m with my friends and pay attention in class instead of obsessing if someone can see my face.

I have always felt held back on numerous occasions when it came to normal everyday activities. I was/am so obsessed with my face that I’ve prevented from seeing any friends, not wanting to go out, just trying t o avoid any contact with society as much as possible. I didn’t want to graduate high school as “the kid who wore the hood” because that’s not me, it kills me every time I go out because I’m presenting myself that is not me. If I was going to be judged, I’d want it to be the real me, not the held back me, which is very heartbreaking for me.

I’ve always fantasized what I would look like if I had a normal shaped face. I would have pretend fantasies of bargaining with myself saying all these weird mental bargaining conversations. I would say like “OMG I would trade having a normal face and have 25 allergies in return”, or like “I’d rather have a huge birthmark on my thigh for a normal face.”

I really wish I didn’t have to go through all this “hot mess” and I’ve always, just always daydream what my life would be like if I was comfortable and had the face that I wanted.

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